Want to know how to stir things up a bit in Utah? Get married, but don’t have a wedding reception. :) Since we’re getting a hefty number of people asking what’s up — “Hey, I got your announcement, but there wasn’t any info about the reception,” or, more heartbreakingly, “Was I just not invited?” — I figured it’d be good to explain what’s going down and why.
Executive summary: we are not having a wedding reception.
Yes, this is heresy in Utah. And that’s okay with me. I don’t really like receptions, to be brutally honest (okay, it’s not that brutal ;)), and I’ve never wanted to have one. (For proof, see #5 on my post from January 2007.) They’re not my thing. (In the interest of full disclosure, we are having a small wedding dinner instead, but it’s only for family and a few very close friends.)
Opposing point #1: But it’s for the guests! That’s half true, I’ll give you that, but I’d rather offer a quality experience to a smaller group than a mediocre experience to a larger group. I mean, just think about it — my standing in line for three hours would mean those who came at the tail end of the reception would get snarky, exhausted Ben instead of the usual bubbly, chipper Ben. (I jest. About the bubbly, chipper part. :P) Pushing people through a conveyor belt assembly line experience just isn’t us.
Opposing point #2: What about the loot? Yes, yes, yes, I know that not having a reception means a severe cut on the swag we’ll walk away with, but hey — while we do appreciate every gift that we get (really!), gifts are not the reason for having a reception. Just sayin’.
Opposing point #3: But we want to see you! And we want to see you, too (whoever you are, unless you’re a stalker, in which case we’ll have to pass, thank you very much ;)). This is the only reason that made me consider changing my mind, actually. There are lots of people I’d love to see, and an open reception would be a good way to do that all at once, but yeah, it’s not going to happen. We’ll have little get-togethers here and there to make up for it.
I do realize that many people actually like wedding receptions (which baffles me), and I wish we could satisfy their need to be, um, received. But the good news is that we’re very much in the minority here in not having a reception, so if you’re the kind who loves receptions, fear not! I’m sure somebody else will have a reception soon, and our whole unreception thing will fade into the dusty recesses of everyone’s memories. Or something like that. ;)
Comments
Good move Ben. We did the same thing when we got married: Wedding in the morning on a Saturday, nice-smallish wedding lunch with family and close friends just after, and we were outta there by 2pm. Everyone we talked to agreed that was the best way they’d seen it done. And of course we agreed.
Minimal impact to family and friends, maximum time together…which, let’s face it, is exactly what you want when you’ve just been hitched.
It’s actually becoming more popular in Utah, which I think is a win for everybody involved. Except maybe the reception centers.
Congrats on the marriage—sorry I won’t be seeing you at the reception ;)
My husband hates receptions. With a passion. I have no idea how I convinced him to attend ours, actually. As for me, I’ll go anywhere as long as I’m fed.
I hate them, too – the only thing that partially makes up for doing a reception is if there’s really dancing involved (for me, at least). I show up for maybe five minutes to my friends receptions just to say hi; I show up late so that I can avoid the line.
You know, if you think about it, we’re doing it quite similarly to those done outside of Utah–a ceremony, a large dinner, and dancing.
Receptions have always been quite awkward for me as well, even when they were my close friends. I just feel stupid after walking briskly through the line, wandering over to the food table, acting as if I really had a great reason to come than to just eat refreshments. (Meaning, my real reason IS to see my married friend, but that has been a short-lived experience.)
I think another reason that somewhat tipped the scale for our decision was that fact that most people don’t really remember who came to their reception (unless it was an awkward experience), except for close friends and family. Why not just create a comfortable atmosphere with those who would have come no matter what and who changed around their work schedules in order to be there anyway?
Of course we have close friends we would love to see, and that really did tug at my heartstrings to get the same question, “Are you not having a reception?” I’m just grateful that there are other ways to celebrate, like bridal showers and other get-togethers. Like Ben, I really do love people and would love to catch up, but I really think that weddings are for family.
And then there’s me. I tell the story that I saw Steve Martin do the merengue in the movie My Blue Heaven and decided it was time to get married so I could dance it at my wedding. Now I should note here that my dad, an otherwise good egg, taught me to dance everything when I was 4-5 years old (peabody, lindy, foxtrot, jitterbug, cha cha) and then made it unpleasant for me by having me perform for relatives. In his defense, I should say he thought I was having fun.
And I haven’t willingly danced–tho’ I have danced a few times, sulking–since then.
Anyway, I decided to get married to to do the merengue–is how I tell the story. And then I say: So I met my wife, proposed, we took merengue lessons and had a routine choreographed and did it at our wedding reception.
So I’m happy with the idea of receptions. And I just went to the best wedding reception ever, my older stepson’s. Every band he’d ever played with–he’s actually a virtuoso guitarist–had members at his wedding. And his bride is an electric violinist in one band and sits in with others. They all performed. It was excellent.
So I’m just saying: there can be receptions that ARE better than having pins stuck in one’s eyes.
Happy Everything, Ben!
I am wondering how receptions work over there. Suddenly I’m imagining this very boring thing where the bride and groom are forced to stand in one place shaking hands and kissing people for hours. If that is true, good job on the decision. :) In Jew-land, we eat, drink and dance a ton. Like, dance, a ton. Actually, in religious weddings, the dancing is seperate for men and women. Anyhoo, that’s my little culture lesson for the day. Mazel tov! :)
Good for you! I wanted a closed dinner reception so badly when I got married, but alas! The mother-in-law is a powerful foe. Bless her soul. Give yours a big thank-you hug.
Sorry to brake this to you, but it’s all semantics. ;)
I’m sure you’re aware of it anyway…
You’re pretty much having a reception.
But as you said it’s different, it’s a dinner… (Focusing on a quality experience for fewer people)
Lots of people do it.
You’re actually pretty normal when seeing the big picture. (Accross the USA)
For Utah perhaps it’s not the typical format.
But all in all in my book it’s still a form of a reception… Yes… A much better form, that certain people can pull off.
I’m also glad to see you’ve recognized those “Opposing Points” you’ve listed
There are too many people axing the reception for purely selfish reasons, stating that a wedding is ALL about them. With no thought to celebrate the people in their lives that have helped them be where they are.
Most Traditions started with meaning and when we do them with out thought or understanding of that meaning it can sometimes be meaningless. I’m glad you’ve understood the meaning.
And even more glad you’ve brought meaning to your alternative.
My thoughts
As a corollary to Deena’s comment, I think the key to a good reception is that it be framed as a joyful event where an entire community comes together to celebrate the creation of a new family. I think you’re right to reject the Utah version of the reception (boring cake for presents trade); however, shouldn’t it be possible to recreate the more traditional reception where everyone dances, celebrates, and feels a sort of primeval joy at the fact that there is a new family in the community?
I really enjoyed my receptions (that’s right, one in each state) because: 1) we didn’t have a line (I was adamant on this point), 2) we kept the guest lists small, and 3) we really had a good time and didn’t stress too much about planning and formality. I was happy to get to know and spend time with my new family and friends, even though I wasn’t too keen on the idea the first time around.
That having been said, the temple sealing was far and away the most memorable and significant part of our wedding. But, some of my funnest and funniest memories were from the receptions. I also felt like the reception was also a nice show of appreciation to those who gave so much to me and my wife over the years.
All of that having been said, your wedding is your own, good job for making sure that you’re doing it your own way.
I had always wanted to not have a reception, but then I married Bart who has, no joke, hundreds of close friends. We sent out some 750 announcements. Even our luncheon had over 100 guests (it was the best luncheon ever – we had many people comment on how very fun it was).
I’d always thought that couples don’t notice who comes to the reception and who doesn’t, so I never felt bad about not going if I couldn’t. But then, as we drove away from our reception, we kept saying “Wasn’t it so NICE that so and so came?” and “I am kind of sad that so and so didn’t come.” What do you know? We did notice!
Also, I like wedding receptions. It’s just FUN. But then, I am a girl.
My dad has told me under no uncertain terms that I *will* have a reception because he wants to dance with me. I agree that the conventional Utah reception is lame, but to a degree I enjoy receptions when the focus is less on standing in line for hours to see the girl in the pretty dress (and that other guy), and more on having a good time and celebrating something that’s a legitimately big deal. So while I see your point, I know I won’t be able to get away with it myself. I come from a family that likes to party and chat, what can I say?
Ben, I think you’ve written this as if we’re not having any celebration at all. We ARE having a huge party after the sealing, with a large dinner, live band, program, and dancing. I am definitely going to dance with my dad. I can’t wait–it will be a great celebration. :D
It’s just not necessarily what people consider as a “reception.”
Throw in your two cents